Archive for the 'Start with Self-Love' Category

Heart Dating(TM) as the Foundation for a “Strong Relationship”

Heart Dating (TM) is the process by which you use the loving power of your heart to develop the confidence in who you truly are and enter the relationship journey in pursuit of your ideal partner from a place of sharing your abundance as opposed to filling a void within yourself.

It leads to a “strong relationship” in that it is a prelude to a deep commitment to supporting each other’s fulfillment as an individual and as a member of a couple. To paraphrase author, Anais Nin, a strong relationship is one in which, rather than facing inward toward each other exclusively, two people stand side-by-side facing outward — together.

A “strong relationship”  is not a merging of two people in which two halves make a whole. Rather, it is a merging of two people in which two wholes make two even more enhanced wholes.  This may also be referred to as “conscious togetherness (TM).”

In “conscious togetherness (TM),” there is deep, mutual support for cultivating the unique gifts that each partner brings to the other and the world. Needs for both closeness and space apart are honored, and the communication channels are open to express each person’s needs and desires. Greater individual fulfillment enables each to contribute more richly to the relationship, and growing feelings of aliveness spark the relationship itself, infusing it with greater passion and energy.

Here are some suggestions to help you move toward “conscious togetherness (TM):”

1)  Pursue your own interests.

Take a class or work on a project because it interests YOU. When you are fed creatively, intellectually or emotionally, you’ll contribute more aliveness to the relationship.

2) Cultivate friendships outside of your relationship.

Your partner cannot meet all of your relational needs. Besides, it’s fun and enlivening to experience different facets of yourself through contact with others.

3) Take time alone.

In order to connect with yourself and your spiritual source, you might spend time in nature, enjoy a hot bath, journal, garden, meditate.  Whatever can bring you a sense of rejuvenation can nourish your relationship exponentially.

4) Create special time with you partner.

Relationships flourish with open, loving communication. Make time to share with your partner, to nourish the bond of intimacy. That loving bond will support you both in powerfully contributing to the world outside your relationship, as well as within it.

Drs. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks in Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment, refer to a “strong relationship” as a “co-creative relationship.” It is one in which two people access more of their creativity as a result of their loving interaction.” “Out of the harmony of a co-committed relationship springs an enhanced energy that enables both partners to make a greater contribution than either one could have made alone.”

Regardless of the term used for a “strong relationship,” the key is to come from a place of abundance which is achieved by using the loving power of your heart.

Published on Wednesday June 16, 2010 in Energy and Relationship, Nurturing Your New Relationship, Start with Self-Love and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

What Does “Self-Love” Have to Do With Finding Your Soul Mate?

The partner you are with or the partner on the way is very much a reflection of what is inside you, your “level of energy,” your perception of  ”self.”  The level of energy at which you operate and project to the world determines the quality and depth of character of others you draw to yourself.

Many of us believe that if we love ourselves, we may be considered “Narcisistic,” and potential partners will be repelled rather than attracted.   The legend of Narcissus tells of a young boy who, upon seeing his reflection in a clear fountain with water like a mirror, fell hopelessly in love with himself.  Unable to tear his gaze away from his reflection, he could not eat, could not sleep, until finally, he pined away and died.

This legend supports our pre-conditioned belief that, as women, if we love ourselves, we are perceived as selfish and self-centered.  In fact, the opposite is true.  Self-love is an honoring of the “self” that requires a high degree of independence and courage.  When you love yourself, you are more able to love and receive love from others.   When you don’t love yourself, you are more likely to avoid commitments, stay in destructive relationships, and remain more isolated.  Unlike Narcissus, when you look in the mirror, you are more likely to turn away.

The primary difference between those who practice self-love and those who don’t is their belief about themselves.  Nathaniel Branden in his book on self-esteem wrote, “Of all the judgments that we pass in life, none is as important as the one we pass on ourselves,  for that judgment touches the very center of our existence.”  When we are our harshest critics finding fault with ourselves, we stifle our inner radiance and move through the world with a negative energy.  To the contrary, when we act from authentic “self-love,” we live according to our values and there is a beauty that shines from within. We are more at ease in the world.

“To honor the self,” according to Branden, “is to be in love with our own life, in love with our possibilities for growth and for experiencing joy, in love with the process of discovery and exploring our distinctively human potentialities.”

When you are clear who YOU are in relationship, you can build relationships that align with your most important values.  Honoring who you are in your relationship enables you to fully express yourself and your “level of energy” remains high enabling you to attract the relationship that you truly deserve.

So to answer the question, “What does self-love have to do with finding your soul mate?”  Everything.

Published on Wednesday May 19, 2010 in Energy and Relationship, First Date Preparation and Start with Self-Love. 0 Comments

Is Fear Getting in the Way of Finding “The One?”

Have you ever found yourself wanting a relationship, yet when the opportunity presents itself you find yourself blocked? You’re not alone. Loving someone is risky business. It’s natural for fear to be present when it comes to finding a relationship. But when fear operates in your life in a way that is counterproductive and hurts you, it becomes a problem. Recognizing how these fears affect your life can help you shift your mindset to get the love you want.

1. Fear of losing freedom. Tied down, trapped, cornered, stuck—this “claustrophobia” points to mistaken beliefs about what relationships are supposed to be.

2. Fear of conflict. Let’s face it, love can be messy. But it doesn’t have to be destructive. Constructive communication skills can be learned.

3. Fear of change. Change means work, discomfort, uncertainty. But real rewards come from growth and depth and renewal!

4. Fear of giving up or losing control. We don’t have to surrender personal power in a healthy relationship.

5. Fear of pain. Ultimately, we must decide whether we trust fear or trust love.

6. Fear of being “found out.” When we hide our true self from those we love, we’re usually afraid that our true self is unlovable.

7. Fear of losing self. Often this comes from watching others (parent, friend, relative) suppress their individuality in relationship.

8. Fear of not being enough. When we fear our own inadequacy, we often expect perfection in our partners.

9. Fear of rejection. To avoid being rejected, we may become “pleasers,” removing our authentic needs and desires from the equation.

10. Fear of dependency. Some worry about losing the ability to take care of themselves, some about the responsibility for others.

If any of these resonate for you, I invite you to remember that “FEAR” is nothing more that False Evidence Appearing Real.

Published on Wednesday May 12, 2010 in Start with Self-Love. 0 Comments Tags: , , .

Remember the “Wedding Vase” – Together But Separate

When beginning any new relationship, particularly a “dating” relationship, it is easy to give yourself away. You may find yourself so caught up in the excitement and the infatuation of being with the other person, that you agree with almost everything the other person says and wants. However, as the relationship progresses, putting what you want and need below the needs and desires of the other person leads not only to giving yourself away, but damaging your self-love and your blossoming relationship.

The bottom line is that it is imperative to “Maintain Your Boundaries” (Heart Dating Principle No. 3). The seemingly simple act of maintaining your boundaries allows you to come together yet maintain your individuality, so as not to give yourself away to the other person and ultimately lose yourself in the relationship. Healthy boundaries reinforce the fact that you are complete within yourself and that you are coming together with this other person because you “want” to be and not because you “need” to be. When you come together in this way, you are more of an equal partner and your self-love remains intact.

In the Native American tradition, the Wedding vase serves as an ideal unifying symbol of being together but separate. It is a single vessel designed with two spouts symbolizing a man and woman living separate lives who are coming together. Individuals coming together while still maintaining their individuality is the best way to form a commitment of trust and strength.

Published on Monday April 26, 2010 in Start with Self-Love. 0 Comments Tags: , , .

3 Quick Tips For Finding the Perfect Relationship

One glorious spring afternoon, much like today, my mentor and I were sitting down to a cup of tea.  I was telling him that I have realized that my mission in life is to support and empower women to find their ideal partner. I explained that it had been a long and introspective journey for me.  When I was clear about what I wanted in a mate and loved myself more, I was finally ready to connect with another. I have now realized the bliss of heartfelt connection and love with another, and … with myself.

He understood just what I meant and offered me the following to share with my clients.  He further explained that it rarely fails for the people who have tried these tips:

TIP #1.     List 20 characteristics of your perfect mate.  (These can be personality traits, physical qualities, etc. – whatever is important to you.  You can list more that 20 if you wish.  I recommend that you do not be bashful.  Go for the gold and describe your perfect mate – No Limitations!

TIP#2.     Describe the person you want to be when you meet this person and then go about becoming this person.

TIP #3.     List all the things you want to do before you get yourself into a committed relationship and start doing them. (If you want to take a cruise with your single friends – do it, if you want to do a 2 week “Vision Quest” – do it.  If you want to hitchhike across Europe – do it, etc.)

I invite you to give this a try and please  remember, “There is Power in the Particular.”

Published on Saturday April 3, 2010 in Energy and Relationship, First Date Preparation and Start with Self-Love. 0 Comments